& life goes on

also a guy laughed and said youre crazy today and i wanted to basically punch him in the face because he is not allowed to say that ever. also we were swimming by some awesome waterfall and i was laughing at something and he was like youre perfect and once again i basically wanted to punch him in the face because #1. He was lying #2. Being perfect sounds like the most bland boring awful thing ever and i basically just said shutup but i should of punched the man………………i truly wish i didnt think so strangely and i could not think about everything so much but seriously all i can do is talk to myself because when i am myself around anyone they just say youre weird or youre crazy and im just like ya but really doesn’t anyone else think about this stuff……..the good news is my birthday is in 5 days 2 hours 53 minutes and 14 seconds. but its probably going to suck anyways my birthday usually does because i always get sad when people keep giving me stuff and i dont have anything to give them and i feel bad. unless they got me a dog i wouldnt feel bad about that……so anyways i suppose i will keep going through the motions goodbye now

i just really cant get myself together. i am really not that complicated of a person but everyone else makes me complicated. i like animals i like adventures i like exploring i dont like when things dont go my way i am rebellious i feel like i am different but it scares me to think that maybe I’m not. sometimes i just stare at something and try to completely figure it out and i go through every part in my mind trying to figure it out. i also do that with people. i stare at people and all i think is that is not the real you, what are you doing? people change so much for other people and i hate watching it. i wish i could save everyone. i want to sit with someone far away and explore and talk about everything and try to figure things out. i am a mess and i want to and need to change something and i dont know what it is but i need to. sometimes i do things and i dont even recognize myself. i think Sas what are you doing this it isn’t you. but maybe it is me but i really dont think so. i just truly wish that there was one person in this world that understood me because i have a very contradicting personality and i dont know what to do about it. i try for people and it is useless because i have really learned that people care about themselves and that is it. i really hope i am not that way because i dont think i naturally do put myself first because that usually ends up in a lot of guilt for me. i really like seeing people happy and especially if i know that i helped make them happy even if it is a tiny thing. dont get me wrong, i am far from perfect and can be very mean and stupid, i just find it very hard to put myself first in every situation. i see a lot of people doing that and dont they feel selfish? people will say anything to make you think they care but the truth is they care about their own happiness first, always. it is sad and i give up on humans because everyone is the same and i suppose i am the same also.

I wish I would have kept my word after my last post… haha damn. But seriously some things really do never change. I have no idea why I always give people so many chances. The same shit always happens with my friends and guys. Someone will fuck up and I always end up forgiving and trusting them again………and then the same shit happens all over again. I know I’m mean most of the time but everyone else just has no morals. I have my moments but after I fuck up, I actually learn something and change. It’s not easy to do the right thing and change yourself for the better but you feel a lot better in the end. But ya know…….I’m kind of sick of doing everything for everyone and putting all these shit heads before myself when in reality all anyone ever does is take advantage of me. I always say I’m going to start putting myself first because no one else deserves it but I feel like shit when I do that so I suppose I will continue to be hurt. Except fuck trusting anyone ever again for the rest of my life. Every time a guy talks to me all I can think is lie lie lie. I was driving today and came to the conclusion that every single person is shitty and selfish and that makes me very sad. I swear on my dogs that I simply do not understand how people can be so mean. I know I am not perfect but I really dont know what I have done to deserve to constantly be dragged into things and then people just hurt me. I swear people just do it for fun. I just cant understand why but I guess I will get over it and one day I will be everyones boss and fire them all but the truth is I dont even want to do that I just want to get away from all this and have dogs and just one person in the world who I can trust but there is no one I can trust. There is always something going on behind my back with my family and my friends and everyone else and then when I find out everyone just acts like its not a big deal and then I just pretend like I dont care and then the same thing happens over and over again. So I suppose the cycle of me hating everyone in the world will continue now thank u bye

I am literally so disgusted right now. I am going to throw up. I hate you so fucking much. More than I have ever hated anyone in my whole entire life. You are a disgusting, dumbass, fake low life and I pray that I never have to see you again. I find out more every god damn day about the things you’ve been doing and it makes me sick. You told that nasty girl who looks like she’s 12 that I “think we’re dating” lol I can’t stop laughing. You’re the pathetic one who never leaves me the fuck alone. I thought you were smart but I have never been more wrong in my life. You are dumb and incapable of taking control of your life and making things right. I was right in the beginning when I thought I was too good for you, you have proved that. I have made some mistakes but they do not even come close to the shit you have done. I probably don’t even know about most of it. I hope to God that you go to Ksu and have sex with a bunch of girls and fuck up your entire life. I’m not even going to try to get you back because I just look at where you’re life is going and that’s enough for me. Looking at the girls you involve yourself with and hook up with is enough to show me what your standards are like. I can’t really believe I sunk to your level. We will never, ever be together again. There is no doubt in my mind. Before I have been mad at you and we have made up. There is no making up. I hate you too much and everything about you makes me sick. Telling me that you will change and try to make it work this time? Hahaha. If you gave a damn about me you would have done that in the first place. The fact is you are way too in love with yourself to care about anyone else. You can try to act upset all you want and I will not give a fuck. I am not about to be with some loser who can’t keep his word for shit. It makes me laugh that I even gave you a chance in the first place. I pray to God that you will wake up tomorrow and absolutely hate me because I never want to hear from you again.

I feel so dumb and I can’t really describe how sad I am. I just hate how this always happens. All I can think about is am I really that bad? I thought I was smart but I’m obviously not because I didn’t see this coming. I honestly thought everything was going to be fine and we were going to actually work it out this time and then you did that. And I know I did the same thing but I was really drunk and pissed off at you for randomly saying it was over. This just seemed so bad because the last thing I said to you was I got you a bracelet. I thought we were fine. I just don’t understand how you could do that when you weren’t even mad at me. It just shows how you feel about me. It’s sad because I’m going to see you going to ksu and hooking up with all these girls and I really hope I never hear about it. I just thought you were different and I don’t want to see that. Every time I think about the details of whatever happened last night it makes me feel so sick and not good enough and I hate it. I hate feeling not good enough. These are the things that make me so insecure and what ruins any chance of me ever being with anyone. I just can’t trust that someone will completely commit to me I guess because I’m scared and this is why. Everyone says to me that we aren’t good for each other and that’s so hard for me to believe because they don’t know how we are. But I guess that is the truth and I have been too stupid to not see that. I just really hope you find a girl who really does care about you like I did and wants the best for you. That’s all I want